A word about the bear necessities

By Zoey McGee | Manor Ink

Black and brown bears live their life foraging throughout forests. Polar bears spend their days surviving the frigid Arctic temperatures. These bears, like most, prefer solitude to human interaction. But, there is one bear who lives for it. They are the only bears in this area that you can hug without becoming a snack; they are the amiable, lovable teddy bear.

Teddys are the most common domesticated bear (and the safest). Teddy bears are known for coming in various shapes and sizes. Some resemble their cousins who live in the wild, others are more cartoonish, with interesting patterns on their fur. The largest teddy bear ever was 63 feet long, but most are a holdable size.

These bears do not need to eat to survive. But this does not mean they don’t enjoy food. Teddy bears have a sweet tooth and will eat anything sugary. Their favorite snacks are lollipops, strawberry ice cream, hot chocolate, orange marmalade and honey. They are disgusted by any bitter food, such as Brussel sprouts, broccoli and kale, but will drink coffee because it is difficult for any creature to live without.

No human has ever seen a teddy bear eat. When a human tries to feed one, it will reject them. This is because the bears have terrible table manners and are very insecure about that failing. So they will wait to eat when there are no humans present.

Teddy bears have no responsibilities except for being loyal and playful. Their hearts are three times larger than those of any other bear species. They enjoy interaction with humans and make it their number one goal to become their human’s favorite stuffed critter. The result is a massive competition between bears. But no matter who the winner is, the teddys still get along because they hold no grudges.

Teddys cannot interact with each other in front of people, so they hold secret meetings at night while most humans are asleep. During their meetings, they discuss how their humans are doing, update the ranking chart on who is the favorite bear, fix issues and discuss politics.

Teddy bears can only die in one of two ways. The first is as a victim of the teddys’ greatest enemy, the ruthless dog. Everyone knows that dogs can be merciless when it comes to teddy bears – they will rip them to shreds. And the second and saddest death comes from deprivation. If packed away and left without human interaction, a teddy bear will become bored and depressed. This will cause the bear’s heart to wilt, and its body will be left for mice to forage.

So take that as advice. If you cannot give a teddy bear the love and attention it needs, give it to someone who will. Not only will the bear appreciate it, but it will provide someone with much joy and fun for years.