A newspaper reporter walks into a bar ...

By Ethan Sprouse | Manor Ink

TAKE MY WIFE Henny Youngman, legendary master of the one-liners. dreamstime.com photo

Here are a few gags to start the New Year off with a smile. Enjoy!

  • Why was the broom late for work? He overswept.

  • Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “How do you drive this?”

  • What does the heart do in its free time? Pump iron.

  • My girlfriend broke up with me for being too mysterious. Or did she?

  • How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

  • Some people eat snails. They must not like fast food.

  • What price do pirates pay for corn? A buccaneer.

  • I was talking to my grandpa and asked him, “Grandpa, after 65 years, you still call Grandma ‘darling,’ ‘beautiful,’ ‘sweetheart’ – what’s your secret?” His response? “I forgot her name five years ago, and I’ve been too scared to ask.”

  • I love Christmas! It’s when I receive a lot of presents that I can’t wait to exchange.

  • A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy.” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re ugly, too!”

  • My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

  • Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

  • I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

  • Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.” She said, “We can’t do that!” I told her, “You did it last week!”

  • It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

  • If at first you don’t succeed ... so much for skydiving.

  • Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

  • A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The woman opens the door. “Where do you want these blinds, lady?”

  • The doctor says, “You’ll live to be 60!” “I am 60!” “See, what did I tell you?”

  • “Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.” “Don’t answer!”

Apologies to Henny Youngman. Some of these jokes come from funny2.com/index.htm.